Stuff and Nonsense

You may not notice, but I do. I always notice it all. I see all the little pauses, the space between your breaths. I hear it hammer out like the Morse code instructions to unravel me. Everything that you were had been carefully programmed unknowingly into my sponge like mind and now what to do when something doesn’t compute? I don’t know what that awkward glance is anymore. I don’t know where your mind trails off on its journey before plunging you into sleep. It is in all those little things that make me stumble, that make me pause and hold my breath at the corner to see whether the rise of this hill will make me fall, or whether it will be the next chapter in Odysseus where I can travel away from you.

Although all this I say silently to myself in my head as my iPod drums away into my ears and aligns with each falling step. All this rushes past me with the stench of the cigarette I just lit and the sense of it leaves me with each toxic breath that I spew back out. Always there is only the vague glimmer these days, only the pang occasionally when I pass the place where that joke was made, or watch the ad that had us both in stitches. And then when I know you are with her. I look down at my hands and see the sweat start to bead from each and every poor like the rage I want to seep out and blacken my tongue with. But I don’t, I pause, good girls don’t cry and I am far too proud. I steady the smile and set the jaw, and pace ahead with a fever that only reality can burn through me.

Let it fill me and burn through me the only way real life can and I will feel this rage settle within my veins so soon it is as routine as the constant beating of this heart which prevails through you, through me, and every other mother fucker hell bent on my own personal destruction. I will collapse the structure of myself long before you can peak inside and know where to start.

Yet we evolve and mutate and settle into a new pattern of being and relating.

We must evolve, for without evolution there is no progression and I will be damned if I am stuck in the caves when you roll out the red carpet to the end of the world.