Ch-Ch-Ch-Chaaaaaanges

Decisions decision decisions. Never one of my strong points in fact, I am severely hindered by the constant drone of both perspectives which often clouds what I really think of my own. It can be disorientating getting lost in the deluge of other people’s lives and opinions. Although as with most people I know, advice is asked for merely as a way for the mind to unravel itself out loud, which is why coffee with friends seems to be such an effective way to alleviate the mind of pressure. We are given both sides of the coin, often more sides of the coin that can possibly exist and from there we stitch, sow and discard the scraps and come up with our wonderfully formed idea that you can credit as being purely your own.

I have undertaken a path of great uncertainty lately, tainted with the inability to make any decisions! I quested over an eternity of thoughts only to come up feeling less sure of anything than I was before. Then my Nan died and it all sort of changed. My perception of the fragility of life again was pushed to the forefront and I thought ‘If not now, then when?’ Will I stall my own life so I succumb to the self imposed pressures of a life that doesn’t seem to fit me? Should I consider the other people in my life that may be effected y this change? Then I thought, simply and truly, no. I have done that all my life and I am always left clinging to myself at the edge of the cliff while everyone forges on across the bridge they built to move on. I suffocate myself with consequences that I have been too afraid to do anything.

Then it changed. No man is an island, but every day of your life you may be in an ocean of people but like the wretched wave none of them will pause and stop breaking upon your shore for you to continue your adventure. No the wave will break and break upon your shore like the thousand years of rain which carve the crevices into the earth, and soon line your face with all their weary.

So we adapt, we change, we make decisions, we make up our minds. In the totality of finally reaching a decision I have stitched the hole you tore right through me, and this life has slowly etched away at each hapless string that frayed from the wound. I am whole, and I take each string and forged them back together with the resolution that life goes on. And somewhere in that vast great world I will find the niche where I can slip you in safely without having to unravel the stitching and change will sweep over me with each wave I refuse to succumb to.